Giving it Another Try
In a previous post I said I didn't want to fully give up carbs. I wanted to learn to eat healthy and live a normal life. But my husband changed all that.
My husband FINALLY went in to have some concerns looked at, primarily his narcoleptic tendencies. What we learned was a relief, but was finally the wake up call he needed.
Turned out that my husband has extreme sleep deprivation (the second worst this doctor had seen and the second worst the sleep tester had seen). Of course they labeled sleep apnea as the cause. But we had suspected this diagnosis, so it was better than having narcolepsy - at least to us.
His doctor, though, asked about his diet and he told him that we were doing the Real Food diet. He applauded this, but then started to talk to my husband about the low-carb diet and using himself as a testament to its benefits. My husband was immediately intrigued, apparently already having been thinking about it for himself.
When he arrived home and told me this, I raged! I lashed out. I was angry and frustrated. He had just made this decision for himself without including me and I'm the one who does all the meal planning and watching the types of food, etc. So I felt smothered with this decision. Life immediately became more difficult to me.
Because I love him, I fought through the throng of negativity that this type of diet incited in my mind. My husband kept saying I don't have to do it, but that is such an absurd idea to me, when I'm trying to take care of him. I want him to be successful. I struggle with the fear of him dying young primarily due to my dad dying young and also him being the rock to my entire life.
I was on board, but then the tsunami of conflicting information pulled me under and left a wake of emotional destruction. I wanted a specific plan to follow and I couldn't afford to see a nutritionalist. I spent days and weeks slogging through websites and books and website plans that offered help and support. I had to wade through internet commentary and, sadly, the arrogance that occassionally came out in the form of "help." (In another entry, I intend to comment on what this means and how I choose to deal with it, despite it feeling like a sharp slap to the face sometimes.)
What I was learning was that I didn't want to be told that this or that wasn't right or that you're not losing because you had 5 blueberries with your breakfast. I was hearing conflicting information about no more than 20g of carbs a day verses under 50g of carbs a day to stay in this "ketosis" thing. I was hearing no more than 12g of carbs per meal and others say it doesn't matter. I need a specific plan of what I am aiming for and I need to be able to implement that. Not just willy nilly go into things, eating tons of bacon.
Also, my husband and I like to actually enjoy our food and flavors. I love cooking. Look, a plain grilled chicken and steamed broccoli is so boring to us, but we'll eat it if we have to. So finding recipes was important to me. On the flipside, it was becoming too consuming to constantly cook each meal that we eat and the grocery bill and the dishes. I couldn't just look in the cabinet and whip up a filling meal on the cheap. Instead of I had to balance and measure and weigh and consider all things, not just lots of vegetables, a healthy carb, and protein. I was loosing footing fast with this new venture. My husband is a scaredy-cat in the kitchen and while I feel he cooks some amazing food, we both agree I am pretty amazing at it. (I've come to believe that I'm pretty amazing at it too... not bragging, just... exuding a little bit of confidence over here. If I like you, I'll cook for you to show you how much I appreciate you.)
Now, let's couple all of the above with my female frustrations of the issues with Keto. My husband, as with all weightloss things, just melted away like butter in the sun - reaping the benefits of my hardwork and planning, even when he would cheat. I, on the other hand, was focused and doing the right things and I was becoming stagnant. I then learned about some of the things that, as a woman, can cause problems. But I have some grievances in general that were adding to things.
First, I had dieted for years prior to doing Keto. Moving myself more and more to healthy eating, real food eating, portion and calorie control, exercise, etc. This, apparently, can lead to a game of chicken with your fat cells. It results in what they call the "swoosh effect." According to several sources, your fat cells don't believe that you're going to make it through this diet, so they hang on to the water as your body starts to adjust to the lack of carbs. After 3-4 (more or less) weeks, your body finally loses that water and the ketones start to go away and the fat is like "NOOOOOO!!!!" and you hit it headon crushing it.
Second, I had already made life changes prior to going keto, so my initial weightloss wasn't as massive as it should have been. Even after starting in May 2017, I have only lost 15lbs. My husband has dropped over 40lbs.
Third, we had a vacation and a friend visit. Sure, vacations are like a diet death toll, but it wasn't. I only gained 2lbs on our week long vacation to Orlando. We made smart food choices everywhere we went, but it was a good bit of eating out. This was in June, so we just needed to get back on the Keto-Pony. Then our friend visited over the 4th of July. We still kept pretty strict, but I had won, what I thought, was one cupcake that I was going to give to our friend or my daughter. No... I had won a box of mini cupcakes. This was my favorite cupcake shop and the temptation was all too real. I blew that Keto with 3 mini cupcakes over 3 days. But I spent a great deal of time immediately getting back into Keto, but I had put on 6lbs. It took me the last month to lose those 6lbs, despite being in Keto consistently since that time. I wasn't even seeing physical changes. I adapted my diet to mentally reassess how I was using my carbs, etc. But this was a huge stumbling block for me.
Fourth, the calories and the macros were a consistent balancing act for me. To get the fat, I needed the calories, but I also needed to choose smart vegetables so as not to crush my carbs and then I still needed protein. Oh my goodness.... so another frustrating battle. I tried to turn to a Reddit for help, but it gave me nothing except blah blahs about nothing I asked about. And not knowing me, made assumptions or compared my life to their life, which are never comparable because I am not you and you are not me. Homeschooling-stay-at-home-mom-of-6 is not the same as public-school-middle-school-teacher-mother-of-1. I appreciated her help, but I, personally, don't like being compared to other people. It degrades my individuality and can lead down a dark road of self-loathing and frustration.
Fifth, the inconsistency across the board on what people are doing for this "keto" lifestyle. People get frustrated like I do when they start, because the information is so wide and varied and the people who are on it preach the Gospel of Keto from their own experience. Weight lifters use it differently than those needing to lose extreme weight due to severe obesity. Everyone has their own personal way of doing it and it causes inconsistencies which are just all too frustrating. I honestly dislike preachy to a degree that I will drastically pull away. It doesn't sell it to me, it makes me want nothing to do with it, if that's the way people who are doing it are. I get that weight loss makes people feel happy and they want to be proud by yelling it from the mountain top and because they had success they feel they know it all, but in reality it just sounds like a salesman selling me a bunch of nonsense fueled by rabid soapboxing.
Last, watching my husband cheat and still be successful. Watching other people being successful. Discouragement of the highest order, regardless of being happy and proud of them for achieving success.
It's now August 10. I am back to my pre-July-4th weight. I am still in ketosis. I finally found where the weight is starting to come off in a noticeable way. I don't want to take pictures or measure myself, but I'm trying to not rely on the scale as much anymore. I went through trial and error. The jury is still out on the 20 vs. 50. But I feel I'm in a relatively good place, even though the whole focus on food planning and carb management is seriously high maintenance to me. Even moreso as I head back to work in a few weeks.
But here I am! This is where I'm going. I will struggle. I will cry. I will rage. I will get frustrated and confront self-loathing, but I have to keep in mind that I'm not just doing this for me... I am doing this for my husband. I want him to feel success. I want him to feel good about himself. With him in my life, all things are possible.
It's been a long time coming around on this blog. I've privatized several entries, because I'm going in a new direction of physical change, but also mental and emotional change. I am a much better person than I was a year ago and I'm still moving forward. So as the most stressful part of my life is about to filter back in, I want to use this place to reflect and log whatever I'm going through as I see fit.
So let's get on with it:
My husband FINALLY went in to have some concerns looked at, primarily his narcoleptic tendencies. What we learned was a relief, but was finally the wake up call he needed.
Turned out that my husband has extreme sleep deprivation (the second worst this doctor had seen and the second worst the sleep tester had seen). Of course they labeled sleep apnea as the cause. But we had suspected this diagnosis, so it was better than having narcolepsy - at least to us.
His doctor, though, asked about his diet and he told him that we were doing the Real Food diet. He applauded this, but then started to talk to my husband about the low-carb diet and using himself as a testament to its benefits. My husband was immediately intrigued, apparently already having been thinking about it for himself.
When he arrived home and told me this, I raged! I lashed out. I was angry and frustrated. He had just made this decision for himself without including me and I'm the one who does all the meal planning and watching the types of food, etc. So I felt smothered with this decision. Life immediately became more difficult to me.
Because I love him, I fought through the throng of negativity that this type of diet incited in my mind. My husband kept saying I don't have to do it, but that is such an absurd idea to me, when I'm trying to take care of him. I want him to be successful. I struggle with the fear of him dying young primarily due to my dad dying young and also him being the rock to my entire life.
I was on board, but then the tsunami of conflicting information pulled me under and left a wake of emotional destruction. I wanted a specific plan to follow and I couldn't afford to see a nutritionalist. I spent days and weeks slogging through websites and books and website plans that offered help and support. I had to wade through internet commentary and, sadly, the arrogance that occassionally came out in the form of "help." (In another entry, I intend to comment on what this means and how I choose to deal with it, despite it feeling like a sharp slap to the face sometimes.)
Also, my husband and I like to actually enjoy our food and flavors. I love cooking. Look, a plain grilled chicken and steamed broccoli is so boring to us, but we'll eat it if we have to. So finding recipes was important to me. On the flipside, it was becoming too consuming to constantly cook each meal that we eat and the grocery bill and the dishes. I couldn't just look in the cabinet and whip up a filling meal on the cheap. Instead of I had to balance and measure and weigh and consider all things, not just lots of vegetables, a healthy carb, and protein. I was loosing footing fast with this new venture. My husband is a scaredy-cat in the kitchen and while I feel he cooks some amazing food, we both agree I am pretty amazing at it. (I've come to believe that I'm pretty amazing at it too... not bragging, just... exuding a little bit of confidence over here. If I like you, I'll cook for you to show you how much I appreciate you.)
Now, let's couple all of the above with my female frustrations of the issues with Keto. My husband, as with all weightloss things, just melted away like butter in the sun - reaping the benefits of my hardwork and planning, even when he would cheat. I, on the other hand, was focused and doing the right things and I was becoming stagnant. I then learned about some of the things that, as a woman, can cause problems. But I have some grievances in general that were adding to things.
Second, I had already made life changes prior to going keto, so my initial weightloss wasn't as massive as it should have been. Even after starting in May 2017, I have only lost 15lbs. My husband has dropped over 40lbs.
Fourth, the calories and the macros were a consistent balancing act for me. To get the fat, I needed the calories, but I also needed to choose smart vegetables so as not to crush my carbs and then I still needed protein. Oh my goodness.... so another frustrating battle. I tried to turn to a Reddit for help, but it gave me nothing except blah blahs about nothing I asked about. And not knowing me, made assumptions or compared my life to their life, which are never comparable because I am not you and you are not me. Homeschooling-stay-at-home-mom-of-6 is not the same as public-school-middle-school-teacher-mother-of-1. I appreciated her help, but I, personally, don't like being compared to other people. It degrades my individuality and can lead down a dark road of self-loathing and frustration.
Fifth, the inconsistency across the board on what people are doing for this "keto" lifestyle. People get frustrated like I do when they start, because the information is so wide and varied and the people who are on it preach the Gospel of Keto from their own experience. Weight lifters use it differently than those needing to lose extreme weight due to severe obesity. Everyone has their own personal way of doing it and it causes inconsistencies which are just all too frustrating. I honestly dislike preachy to a degree that I will drastically pull away. It doesn't sell it to me, it makes me want nothing to do with it, if that's the way people who are doing it are. I get that weight loss makes people feel happy and they want to be proud by yelling it from the mountain top and because they had success they feel they know it all, but in reality it just sounds like a salesman selling me a bunch of nonsense fueled by rabid soapboxing.Last, watching my husband cheat and still be successful. Watching other people being successful. Discouragement of the highest order, regardless of being happy and proud of them for achieving success.
It's now August 10. I am back to my pre-July-4th weight. I am still in ketosis. I finally found where the weight is starting to come off in a noticeable way. I don't want to take pictures or measure myself, but I'm trying to not rely on the scale as much anymore. I went through trial and error. The jury is still out on the 20 vs. 50. But I feel I'm in a relatively good place, even though the whole focus on food planning and carb management is seriously high maintenance to me. Even moreso as I head back to work in a few weeks.
It's been a long time coming around on this blog. I've privatized several entries, because I'm going in a new direction of physical change, but also mental and emotional change. I am a much better person than I was a year ago and I'm still moving forward. So as the most stressful part of my life is about to filter back in, I want to use this place to reflect and log whatever I'm going through as I see fit.
So let's get on with it:
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